Thursday, September 30, 2010

Smart Computer

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Monday, September 27, 2010

beer facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Manners, shut up and trouble

There were three boys named Manners, Shut up and Trouble.
One day, the boys decide to play hide-and-seek. Trouble is on. Manners goes and hides in a tree and Shut up goes and hides in a trash can.
At that moment, a policeman comes up to the trash can to throw away a banana peel. He opens the lid, only to find a boy in there.

The policeman asks, " What are you doing in there, boy?"
Shut up replies, "Playing hide-and-seek, sir."
Intrigued, the policeman asks,"What's your name, boy?"
"Shut up."
"Where are your manners, boy?!"
"Manners is up the tree."
"Boy, are you looking for trouble???"
"No sir, Trouble is looking for me!"

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Superman flying

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

Friday, September 24, 2010

Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK)

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Multi colored

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Old men shaking hands

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally he allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Monday, September 20, 2010

I work for 7-UP

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

funny movie titles

some funny movie titles (mostly porn movies)

A Beautiful Behind
Womb Raider
Schindler's Fist
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Glad he ate her
Driving Into Miss Daisy
Riding Miss Daisy
Batman in Robin
Blowjob Impossible
Dyke Hard
Star Whores
Sorest Rump
Edward Penishands
Gangbangs of New York
On Golden Blonde
How Stella Got Her Tube Packed
In Diana Jones and the Temple Poon
Saturday Night Beaver
Sick Degrees of Penetration
Legally Boned
Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
When Harry Ate Sally
Romancing The Bone
Lord Of The G-Strings
White Men Can't Hump
Ocean's 11 inches
American Booty
Pulp Friction
Swollow Hal
Breast Side Story
Blown in 60 Seconds
Buffy The Vampire Layer
Buttman and Throbbin'
Sperms of Enderarment
School of Cock
Free My Willy

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Proof Bill Gates is Evil

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is know as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III, you get the following:

B=66 I=73 L=76 L=76 G=71 A=65 T=84 E=69 S=83 I=1 I=1 I=1

Total = 666

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Divorce Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

dildo wildo


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Cats and Dog

How Cats and Women Are Alike
1. They do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

Monday, September 06, 2010

whats the nationality

On a high hill top just outside of town sat a small house that had a red light on the front porch. There were three men in and/or around the house, the first man was running up the hill toward the house, the second man was in the house, and the third man was meandering down the hill away from the house. What is the nationality of the three men?
The first man, running up the hill toward the house, he be a Rushen.
The second men, the one in the house, Himalayen.
The third man, meandering down the hill away from the house, he be Finish.