Thursday, November 25, 2010

Generous lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem! You'll love my place, the grass is at least two feet tall!"

Monday, November 22, 2010

Taste Test

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

Good friends, best friends

"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry"
"Good friends will bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS will be sitting right there next to you going, 'Damn, what did we do?'"
"Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"
"Good friends will help you with your drug problem, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you,"
"Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move the body"
"A best friend can look at you with a smile on your face and ask 'What's wrong?'"

Monday, November 15, 2010

Fun in bed

A girl named Betty asked her very hot mother (with very HUGE breasts) for her to take a shower with her. The hot mother said no. "IF YOU DON'T LET ME TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU MOMMY, I WILL SCREAM SO HARD I WILL TURN BLUE, AND AFTER THAT, I WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME!" Screamed little Betty. So, her mother said yes. "In one condition, you don't look up, nor down." Betty agreed.

Later, in the shower, Betty decided to look up. "What are those BIG things hanging down mommy? They look squishy! Can I touch?" She asked. Her mother responded: "They are... um... flashlights,and no you can't touch them because they're reserved for your father." Bett then looked down, an asked again what it was. "It is um... my garden." she responded. "It loks fluffy, can i pet your garden?" Her mother said no again because it was reserved for her father.

The next day, Betty asked her father if she could take a shower with him. He had a very big penus. He said no and again. Betty repeatd the same thing: "IF YOU DON'T LET ME TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU MOMMY, I WILL SCREAM SO HARD I WILL TURN BLUE, AND AFTER THAT, I WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME!" So, her father said yes in one condition: "Do not lok down."

Later, in the shower, Betty looked down, and saw her father's penus. She asked, "Daddy, what is that? It looks life a hairy sausage!!! Can I take a bite??" Her father responded: "Um.. It's a... um... a snake! And no, you can''t take a bite!!! It's reserved for your mother."

That night, Betty was having a nightmare, so she went into her parents room and saw them having sex. Betty then screamed: "Mommy, Mommy! Turn on your flashlights! A snke is slithering into your garden!"

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

1000 pounds of dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Three friends

Three very good friends named Barry, John and Rob were stranded on an island. One day they all found a lamp and rubbed it. Lo and behold, a genie apeared and gave each of them one wish.Barry thought for a second and then said,"I wish i lived on a island with twenty hot, horny chicks in a big house." John thought long and hard and then said,"I'm sick of the island so I wish I was in a big city penthouse with a billion dollars." Rob thought very long about what he wanted and then he started to cry. The genie asked,"What on earth is wrong?" Rob replied, still weeping,"I wish my friends were here!"

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Lunch pack

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."